The Boomerang Effect

For those of you "Daily Remedy" regulars, you already know, that I love everything about social interactions. This interest has actually raised over the years and still continues to grow. As a kid, I used to get in trouble a lot in class for talking too much.

I can only imagine the terror I would be now!

One of the things that I've always been pretty good at is making friends. Yes, making friends. I honestly get along with practically everybody. Sure there are people I don't particularly care for, but I still get along with them, and in general, most people are always pretty nice!

Recently, I was thinking about how I interact with other people and why I manage to make great friends. I know this is no breakthrough in the history of social science whatsoever, but I don't think most people actually think about the way they interact with people.

I have discovered the secrets to always having great interactions! I call it "The Boomerang Effect!

OK,ok, its actually not much different than the cliche' "Do unto others as you'd have done to yourself." But, I've added a little "Arun Flava" to this and made it my own theory.

Essentially, it boils down to making the people around you feel great. The beauty of this is, that you will naturally feel great in response and people will naturally gravitate towards you and make you feel great too!

Big deal right? Well, after my intense analysis, I've broken down a couple of interesting natural behaviors of mine that I think help me get along with people.

1. Being a "Namer." Last week, a couple of girls that I've recently become acquainted with mentioned I am a "namer." Apparently, a namer is a person who, in conversation with someone else, uses that persons name quite a bit. I thought about this for awhile and realized that I do use peoples names a LOT in conversation.

They went on to talk about how it subtly makes the recipient feel good when someone is a namer. I thought about this statement and realized how true this is ESPECIALLY when first meeting someone. I am always skeptical of people remembering my name when I meet them, but when they do, and they use it, it actually does make me feel pretty good (despite being consciously aware of this relation most of the time). I definitely think being a namer has an unacknowledged, yet powerful effect on subtly (and unintentionally on my end) making someone feel great.

2. Optimism. Looking at everything with a "glass half full" perspective comes out when interacting with people and makes everyone feel good. People can't help but feed off of someone who radiates positive energy, and being optimistic about not only your endeavors, but other peoples as well creates a great atmosphere.

3. Immediate comfort. Some people take some time to "warm up" when meeting new people and don't really break out of their shell until they feel comfort. Well I'm obviously not one of those types of people. I generally conversate with everyone as if I already know them.

I am kind of a joker by nature, and I like to tease my friends a lot. In fact, I think teasing is great because everybody gets a good laugh but no one is really offended. At first, I think new people are kind of surprised that I would tease them when I don't even know them, but its always in good spirit, and they quickly realize that its just my joker nature. These fun interactions seem to build rapport really fast.

4. Body Language. Number one, is the magic of smiling! I could write an entire post about the power that a simple smile has! It radiates so much positive energy that people just HAVE to like you if you smile a lot!

Also, positive touching is also great (keep your minds out of the gutter!). Just things like patting someone on the back or a playful punch to the shoulder establishes a new level of comfort. Again, I was totally unaware I did this until someone pointed out to me that I do this. The scientific term for this type of touching is called "Kinaesthetics."

I was hesitant to write this post for a few reasons. One is, I am afraid as coming off as arrogant or artificial claiming that "I have discovered the secret to making friends and use these secrets all the time!" That is not the case.

After chatting with some friends over the years and recently just thinking about what makes me who I am, I realized that these are behaviors of mine that happen to help me make friends. This morning, I received an email from a friend thanking me for something subtle I said last night and didn't even think about. I called her a "world class hugger" because she honestly gives great hugs. She emailed me saying "that really means a lot to me because I love hugging!"

That actually made me feel really good that something as little as that compliment, made her feel good enough to send me an email.

Classic Boomerang Effect. I happened to make her feel good last night, and she reciprocated with gratitude. Plus, I'm sure I'll be getting a lot more great hugs!

The Power of Being Social

It’s funny how wisdom kind of sneaks up on you. One minute you’re 17, heading off to college, moving away from home for the first time, only concerned about how hot the girls are gonna be on your campus (and possibly the prospect of getting a degree). The next you’re 23 and planning the rest of your life in general.

In these six years, one of the most important things I’ve learned through experience is the power of being your most social self. I say “most social self” because I know not everyone by nature is social. In fact for some, the attempt at being social is almost crippling.

I am naturally a social butterfly (my friend Dave nicknamed me “The Monarch” because of this trait), but this quality has increased over the years, both naturally, and through concerted effort of my own to be more social. Why do I make this effort? I have learned that there are FAR more benefits to being outgoing and social than mild mannered and reserved.

So what are some of these benefits? Well, lets take my office job for example. Most people at work get through the day interacting only with people they need to for work and exchanging casualties with work “friends.” It’s fairly common that two people who don’t know each other will cross paths without so much as looking at eachother.

I do the complete opposite.

At the VERY LEAST, I smile at every single person I see. Most of the time I’ll say “Hey!” When I’m getting coffee and I run into someone, I always make conversation, and if I don’t know them, I’ll introduce myself. As a result, almost everyone on my floor at work knows me! Its great walking through the halls because everyone says hi to me and I joke around and conversate with people throughout the day, almost none of whom I directly work with! These daily interactions make work much more enjoyable.

In fact, I don’t limit this to only work. I do it almost everywhere. A lot of times you’ll see something happen while you’re out and about but you won’t say anything. Confused? Let me give an example. The other day I was at the grocery store in the produce section and a lady was checking out the apples. She went to pick one up to inspect and somehow it slipped out of hands and fell to the ground. In the process of trying to catch it, she knocked another one off as well.

Normally most people won’t say anything to save her from embarrassment. The old me wouldn’t have said anything either. So what did I do?

Me: “BUTTERFINGERS!”
Lady: “Heeheehee! That apple got away from me”
Me: “Maybe you should let me pick for you. I don’t know if the store can afford your business!”
Lady: “Hehehe! Common now I’m not that bad.”
Me: “In fact I think they have a three strikes policy. Two more slips and you’re banned! And don’t even think about going NEAR the watermelons!

After some more banter, we went our separate ways, but this funny interaction made a mundane activity like going to the store, much more entertaining for both of us! This is just one example of interactions I have like this EVERYDAY. I think this is one of the reasons I’m always in a good mood. Having these fun, positive interactions, even with complete strangers, puts not only me in a good mood, but it leaves the other person feeling great as well.

In fact, getting to know people whom you may see more than once has far more benefits than just feeling good. In college, there were a couple of bars I used to frequent, and after chatting with the bartenders and bouncers a few times, they began just letting me in without checking id’s, and I’d get discounts on drinks! At the coffee shop I go to frequently (and where I am right now), my drinks always come right away even if they are busy because I now know all of the baristas.

At work, when other departments are having little party’s for birthdays or whatnot, I get invited to indulge despite not even being in the department! Yes, being social has many of these “selfish” benefits.

The fact is, being social even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone to be so, has so many tangible and intangible benefits. The problem is, the people who have the most trouble being social are those who are by nature, antisocial.

Well there are some ways to help overcome this and become “your most social self.”

1. Ask people you naturally encounter how they are. These are people like the grocery store clerk and bagger, the receptionist etc. Simply by going beyond the normal pleasantry of “Hi” leaves open for some more conversation to be had. Even though “how are you” is pretty generic and is generally not considered a legitimate question, it’s a start. Even better though is “How is your day going?” This actually gets a real response more than just “fine” most of the time.

2. Try to make eye contact and smile at everyone you pass. You know those situations when you’re walking by someone and to avoid awkwardness you glance then look away. Just as you look away they smile and say “HI!” and as you’re passing you try to recover and say “Hello” all the while feeling a little guilty for being a cold bastard. Well don’t be that guy!!! Even just a smile makes you come off as extremely friendly and approachable.

3. Treat everyone you meet like old friends. Even if you just met someone, joking around and speaking candidly automatically raises the comfort level and makes the other person(s) feel a social connection.

4. Don’t hold in your thoughts. When you see something that you could comment on, just say it! Don’t wait and let yourself get anxious or nervous. Let it out right away. If someone does something embarrassing, tease them a little about it! Everyone loves light hearted humor. This goes hand in hand with treating people like old friends. My grocery store interaction is one example. Here’s another: I was at my favorite coffee shop and the barista was really cute. When it came time to order, I asked how her day was to get conversation going. At one point she asked me what I was reading, and I turned over my book to show her the cover. It was one of those “_____for dummies” books. I then looked up, smiled and lightheartedly said, “This series seems right up your alley!” while pointing at the word “dummies”. She laughed and playfully hit my shoulder. I was in. She ended up sitting and eating dinner with me.

5. “Its’ not what you know but who you know.” This is so true. The best way to advance in essentially any realm is by having great relationships with the people around you. When I worked at Tennis Warehouse, I advanced primarily because I had great relationships with our employees, managers, and customers.

6. Try to have at least one positive interaction everyday. This could be anything from and extended chat with a coworker to calling a friend and talking for more than just a couple of minutes. For me, having a great interaction or conversation in which both people smile leaves me feeling great for long time afterwards!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened my mouth and said something when I normally wouldn’t or was otherwise uncomfortable. Honestly, 99% of the time, I leave the interaction, however long or short it may have been, feeling better off!

Hell, just yesterday at work, I saw a guy in the café’ eating by himself that I recognized from college, but I never knew him. I knew of him, of which I new he was a recluse, a bit of a nerd and seemed a bit odd. I wasn’t going to say anything to him because he didn’t see me. Then I thought about it and said to myself, “Arun, sack up and go talk to him!” I went and introduced myself and asked how he was enjoying the company. We chatted for a couple of minutes before I left. The great thing was, I could tell he was genuinely excited to be chatting with someone rather than eating alone the whole time.

I left feeling great, not because he did anything specifically for me, but because I think I made his day just a little bit better. Social Arun enjoys life so much more than less social Arun.

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UPDATE! My ebook about becoming your most charming, social self is now available HERE. This is a complete accumulation of everything I know about social dynamics and making your life happier and more interesting. Check out The Social Charmer!"

Charm your way to Success

The dreaded interview: Your palms are sweaty, your throat is dry, heart is racing, and you begin stuttering at the first question that makes you think.

Stick a fork in you.

The interview is where the selector gets to see what you're really made of. How do you react to a difficult question? Are you likeable? Do you deserve the prize you are interviewing for (be it a job, scholarship, admission to a University etc.)?

In an interview, you are vying for a spot that tens, possibly hundreds of people are are also going for. Any sign of awkwardness or discomfort will many times stick out in the interviewer's mind and consequently, they will conscioulsy or unconsciously disqualify you.

I am convinced that having good communication and creating positive interactions is the key to personal and professional success. Why? Creating a social and personal connection not only paints you in a positive light for the interviewer, but also makes him/her look past any shortcomings in your qualifications. Ladies and gents, it's true..."It's not the size of the wave, but motion of the ocean that counts."

By nature, I tend to interview well. I'm definitely not shy and love talking to anybody and everybody. In grade school, I used to routinely get in trouble for chatting with people around me. My teacher would then move me (thinking he was separating me from my friends) and I'd start all over again with whomever was around me.

But just because I'm social, what makes me think that I am qualified to help others perform better in interviews? Allow me to share my personal experience.

The first interview I ever did was for a college scholarship in high school. I knew nothing about interview techniques and just went in trying to be as enthusiastic and passionate as possible. Out of thousands of applicants, I was chosen to receive the lucrative prize. After the interview, the interviewer asked me, "How many of these have you done?" My response? "Actually this is my first one." Then jokingly added, "I believe in quality not quantity!" She laughed, and as I left, I knew I had a good shot because, beyond whatever I submitted on paper that qualified me for the scholarship, she genuinely liked me.

My second job ever was the first job interview I ever had. It was for a customer service/racquet technician position at the Tennis Warehouse. Unlike my other interviews, both previous and future, I was superiorly qualified for the position so I only had to have a mariginal interview to get the job. What did help was establishing a savy relationship with the managers as well as other employees. As a result I was promoted to a supervisory role of over 60 people, many of whom had worked at TW longer than I had.

Finally, as my undergraduate career was coming to an end last year, I was honestly VERY concerned that I would graduate jobless! I was submitting my resume everywhere and attending career fairs and getting only a few bites.

The reason? My resume was (the first hurdle in getting a job) was not particularly helpful for my engineering degree. I had a slightly above average GPA, and NO engineering internships or experience.

So how did I land a job?

My biggest weapon was the career fairs. I made sure to learn something about every company I was interested so that when I spoke to the rep, it would appear that I was passionate about working for their SPECIFIC company! Little did they know that I was "passionate" about working for whoever would hire me!

I attended every career fair during my last year, and by the last one, many of the reps knew me and I had a shoe in for an interview. Now it was time to turn the charm up a notch. Once I had gotten the interview, I was supremely confident that I could get the job.

In the end, I had six serious, on-site interviews, four of which made some sort of job offer. Of the two that didn't make an offer, one decided to hire an experienced professional instead of a new grad, one had company restructering and thus the position was longer existing. In essence the jobs that I didn't get was not because of the interview.

I know what you're thinking. "So what in the heck does all this mean Arun?!? It sounds to me like you're just bragging about your interview skills!" Not in the least (Ok well maybe just a little :)

For all of the positions that I interviewed for, I would bet that MOST of the people interviewed were MORE qualified for the position on paper. I won the prize because I established a connection with the interviewer that made him/her want to hire me for me and my personality over hardcore knowledge.

The tips that I am going to share work in a myriad of social interactions, from job interviews to sellers and buyers to even women! These are general tips that are effective in nearly ALL SOCIAL SITUATIONS!!! So here we go.

1. Confidence. By FAR the most important quality! You will get no where without being and projecting confidence. Speaking clearly, slowly, and as if you believe what you are saying is key. Look the person in the eye when you are talking. If you are asked something you don't know, think briefly, and answer as best you can. If you don't know, then be confident enough to admit it!

2. Enthusiasm. People LOVE enthusiastic people. Enthusiasm is infectious in any social interaction and after leaving, peole will think "For some reason, and I can't pin point it, I really like that guy." Showing enthusiasm really makes you likeable.

3. Passion. Again, showing a passion for something demonstrates that you have motivation and ambition. Showing a passion for something lets the other person know that you have the potential to love whatever they are bringing to the table.

4. Humour. Being funny is ALWAYS good! Girls, guys, everyone loves someone who is humourous. When I'm chatting with someone (an interviewer, a girl etc) and can get them to laugh, I know we've established a connection. This is the quickest way to hook someone. What if you're not funny? Well even a quirky attempt at a bad joke (as long as its in good taste) is endearing. Just don't overdo it if they're not laughing!

5. Mirroring. This is the act of mirroring the energy of who you are talking. When I interviewed with my current manager, I came in with all this energy only to be dampered by his extremely subdued demeanor. So what did do? I mirrored his energy but I kept myself always one notch above him. I calmed down to the point where he was comfortable, but made sure he knew that I had energy. In doing so, the environment was comfortable and we able to establish a rapport.

6. Body Language. Smile! Smiling is a great way to project positive vibes in a room. Again, smiling makes you very likeable. Also, mirroring body language helps in making the other person comfortable. Don't be too shifty as that shows discomfort and nervousness. All movements should be purposeful! No thumb twiddling or tapping!

Also, in a nonprofessional setting, kinaesthetics (the science of touching) establishes a connection. A light (nonsexual!) touch on the shoulder or back when interacting immediately establishes a connection.

So that's the basics! Enhancing your abilites in a social environment can work wonders! Remember the saying, "It's not what you know, but WHO you know!" Well successful communication with the right people will get you far.

And as I said before, "It's not the size of the wave, but the motion of ocean" is so true in so many avenues....though to be honest with you, my "wave" is quite large :)