The Trash Talking Wonder

There's no better feeling than talking a lot of trash, then following it up with the actual goods.

I imagine there would be no worse feeling than talking a lot of trash and following it up with abysmalness. I wouldn't know :)

Yes friends, I will admit that, among my friends, I am a serious trash talker. In fact, I don't even think what I say should be classified as "trash talk." It would be more accurate to call it "Truth."

I'm generally not an instigator since sometimes it's nice to fly under the radar, but the minute someone says anything controversial, I let the bombs fly and no one is safe!

The most recent example that comes to mind is the currently occurring March Madness. I was all set to have a nice, friendly little sweepstakes, but then I caught this little gem in a group email from my friend Aaron who set up our March Madness group.

"FYI
Most likely to win- Aaron
Most likely to lose - Arun"

Oh no he di'int! Nobody gets away with this! It was time for retaliation so I sent out this little gem of "Truth."

"What!?! Most likely to LOSE? Not only do I have a proven track record of kicking YOUR ass, but I have a proven track record of kicking ass in general! My methods are flawless and my teams perform. I was going to make it a close game this year, but now I'm afraid I'm going to have win outright. Good Luck for second place, and if someone wants my advice for picks, I usually charge five bucks per pick, but since you all are friends, I'll drop it to four."

Well we are currently almost halfway through the NCAA tournament and Aaron is holding down the sixth place spot with a vengeance! I meanwhile am situated quietly in first place.

Despite its simplicity, the art of good trash talking, and elevating it to "truth" status is actually quite complex. I'm going to share with you some excerpts from chapter 19 of "Arun's Guide to Lifetime Awesomeness," entitled "From Trash Talk to Truth: Breaking Down the Competition Before the Game Has Even Started."

1. Use historical examples. This should highlight examples of you previously kicking ass. You should then take these examples and make them analogous to major real world events such as Empires conquering Territories or Countries dominating a war.

2. Relay the messages with confidence and an element of "niceness." Saying things in a pseudo-complementary way is a dagger! (ie. "Justin, your tennis skills are amazing! You definitely would be top 5 material in my 'Tennis for Toddlers' class!")

3. Hyperbolize your opponents weaknesses. (ie. "Justin, I've got a couple of Coke bottles that you can maybe tape to your eyes so you can see the ball better")

4. Once the competition is over, discontinue the talk unless provoked. There's no better satisfaction than letting the competition stew in anger over not only losing to you, but knowing that you backed up your talk! Throwing additional jabs is not necessary unless they start up again in which case you now have so much ammo (since you just beat them) that their case is futile!

5. Don't fire barbs at sensitive area's. Making fun of Chubby Checker's weight or Margo Midget's height is too easy and not cool. Nobody likes a meanie.

6. Make fun of the opponents strengths! This totally turns the tables on them and makes the competition putty in your hands! Example: Justin refers to himself as "The Shot Master" for his prowess at being able to take a vast quantity quantity of shots, beyond what any normal man should be able to take. I would use this to my advantage if I were to shoot a verbal arrow his way (ie. "Justin, you're gonna be so tired from getting run around the tennis court, your gonna need those shot taking skills to guzzle back water! Meanwhile, I'll be holding a racquet in one hand and Saltines in the other."

I think I've given you enough tips to make you quite dangerous to engage in a friendly verbal joust! Just remember, "He who backs up trash talk with performance, speaks only Truth!" Good luck!