Arun is Bringing You...Your Daily Remedy

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The "Do Not Touch" List

I'm a fun-loving super social guy who loves giving high fives and making up new crazy handshakes with all of my friends. I am also well aware that people's hands carry more germs than almost anything else you can touch.

In general, I don't mind being exposed to moderate amounts of foreign germs. It seems logical that the more germs I am exposed to, the stronger my immune system will become as it adapts to each foreign particle introduced into my system. I hardly ever get sick, so this must be true to some extent right?

There is one exception to my germ exposure though. Anything coming from a bathroom is not welcome anywhere near me! I (as should any sensible person) have a tremendous aversion to anything emanating from the bathroom. As a result, one of my biggest pet peeves are the lazy sicko's who don't wash there hands after going to the bathroom!


My aversion to this has resulted in my personal "Do Not Touch" list. That's right. If I am in the bathroom and catch you exiting without a wash, you are automatically flagged on my mental list. In fact, once you're on this list, it's virtually impossible to get off this list for a few reasons.

1) If you are already a friend, you're automatically dropped at least two tiers by virtue of you're laziness for hygiene.
2) You are definitely not coming over to my house with the potential of contaminating my sterile possessions.
3) I'm not coming to your place knowing that everything I'm touching has potential remnants from your Johnson.
4) I don't make a habit of going to the bathroom in herds (a la every female I know) so I don't know if your lack of awareness is a one time slip or a repeated offense.

Bottom line, you will not be getting any type of a handshake or high five from me. I know what you're thinking. "But Arun, what if Joe Dirtyhands approaches with an open hand to give me a handshake or a high five? Am I just supposed to make things awkward by blowing off his attempt to be friendly???"

Don't worry, I have a solution to this dreaded situation! This is where we get to enjoy the glorious invention known as the "Knuckle Touch!" The knuckle touch is awesome because not only are you being hip AND friendly, but you are avoiding the highly contaminated finger/palm area! When they come at you with an open hand, just counter with a closed fist and they'll automatically go in for a friendly knuckle touch.

Disaster Averted!!!

A Couple of other gross bathroom observations:

Observation 1:

Why is it that guys have absolutely NO aim in public toilets? I mean, if you go in there on a busy night, its like a war zone in there with urine all over the floor and toilet seat.

I find myself peeing with my feet in like a karate stance positioned on the only two dry spots on the floor! When finished, I carefully balance on one foot, and judo kick the handle to flush. This is tricky because you have to judo kick around the raised seat (if it is indeed raised, because if it's not, there's no way I'm touching that seat to raise it) and balance on your one foot on the ground. Slipping is not an option!!!

Observation 2:

About a month ago a friend and I stopped by my favorite Irish Pub in San Diego, The Field, for a beer. I had to go to the bathroom pretty bad, and the guys was full, so I snuck into the girls bathroom which consisted of two stalls.

It became immediately clear when I was inside pissing away that I had company in the stall next to me. I had always wondered whether girls are capable of making the violent sounds I have heard in men's bathrooms. Well she answered this question for me with a resounding (and I mean RESOUNDING) yes! Without going into the disgusting details, she was absolutely DESTROYING the poor toilet next to me.

So I'm standing there peeing away and I realize that by the sound of the stream hitting the water, its pretty obvious that a guy is in the stall next to her. So, to preserve any embarrassment for her (and me) I frantically re-aim my stream so that it banks off the porcelain right above the water line, thus disguising the telling sound of male urination.

As I'm wrapping up, I notice that she is also by the sounds of the miles of toilet paper shes pulling off the dispenser. I REALLY don't want to see whoever this is or have any type encounter, so I'm trying as hard as I can to squeeze out the last few drops and get the hell out of there.

I run out of the stall, but there's no way I'm leaving without washing my hands. As I'm washing, I hear a flush. Time is running out, and there's no time for drying! I dash for the door, and just as I'm about to open it, it flies open as two girls are entering. The first girl exclaims "WHOA!!! Isn't this the GIRLS bathroom!"

Simultaneously, I here the stall door which my noisy neighbor was in, open and she gives a incredulous, "HUH!?!?!" Without looking back, I ran the hell out of not only the bathroom, but the bar as well. There was no way I was going to risk bumping into that girl.

After the battle that was going down with her porcelain throne, she better have washed her hands. Either way, she's still solidly on the "Do Not Touch" List.


tim said...

Washing your hands in the bathroom is important, but have you seen the guys who wash like doctors preparing for surgery? I dunno why, but they go like 4 inches up past the wrist when they wash. People who are too thorough in their post-bathroom wash just make me wonder what they're doing in there that requires such rigorous cleaning...

Arun said...

Hey I'd prefer that to not washing at all!

Evelyn said...

This is hilarious! Too funny! Finally! A man that is as cootie-phobic as I am! I know all about that "Do Not Touch" list! In fact, I have hand sanitizers everywhere too! On my desk, in my car, in my purse, etc. Unlike you, however, I will avoid the men's room no matter how bad I have to go. That's just bad no matter what. Tip: grab some paper or seat covers to lower the toilet seat in the up position. (Otherwise you might get cooties on your ankle!) See, I kick that flusher too! I'm not touching that! No way! LOL! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love it! I'm glad to hear that there are men who are deeply concerned about this kind of thing too!

MikeLM said...

I've been teaching my grandson the proper way to exit the men's room...

Put things away, zip up.
Turn on the faucet, wash with soap.
Get your towel, dry hands. ONLY THEN, using the towel, turn off the faucet with the towel between you and the faucet handle.
Go to the door and, still using the towel, grab the handle through the towel and open the door.
Most men's room these days have a disposal can near the door, so you can put your towel in as you leave. Once the door is open, handle it with your elbow.
If these is no disposal there, throw the towel on the men's room floor. Pretty soon, they'll get the picture.

Nathan said...

HAHAHAhhahaha. so true.

Scott said...

Arun, in emergency medicine, no one ever shakes hands on duty...we all know the likelihood of spreading terrible germs. Instead, we give each other an elbow bump (a la Mark McGuire and Jose Canseco) to say what's up, but keep everyone clean. It's not quite as cool as the knuckle bump, but everyone should have reasonably clean elbows, right?