Elevator Etiquette

We're in them almost everyday. There just another part, another room of the building, yet for some reason we all feel the need to change our behavior when we enter the elevator!

Look around next time you enter an occupied or crowded elevator and you'll notice some interesting peculiarities.

Most people enter the elevator and generally saddle up next to one of the railings while staring straight ahead saying absolutely nothing.

Rule number 1 in "Unspoken Elevator Etiquette": Enter, remain absolutely silent, and look at nobody!

I always enjoy the people who are fascinated with the elevator inspection sign. They just stand there staring at it, yet if you were to ask them what they just read, they'd have no idea. It kind of serves as a "target" for people to stare at and pretend to be reading, thus avoiding any "elevator conversation" which we all know is taboo!

Honestly, when I enter the elevator, I do have a couple of small things I do to. I used to always check and see if it was equipped with that little phone behind a door. I always felt more comfortable knowing I had some sort of communication with the outside world, just in case the elevator gets stuck (this was before the age of cell phones).

Sometimes when I'm in a crowded elevator, I casually glance at the max weight sign, then take a guess as to how much load the elevator is carrying. Inevitably, Fatty McFatterson steps on to the elevator at the next floor at which point I start worrying just a tad...especially when you feel the elevator bounce a little everytime it stops!

There's also the issue of holding the elevator door. Its funny how everybody has their own "point of no stoppage" when it comes to holding the elevator door as it starts closing. Some people absolutely refuse to stick an arm out if the door starts closing at all while others will go all the way until you can only fit a finger in to get the door to reopen!

I'm somewhere in between. Even though I know the elevator door isn't going to crush my hand, instinctively its hard to throw an arm in there as the jaws are collapsing!

And now for an interesting elevator story:

In high school, I used to work at a local fitness club as a tennis instructor. When the normal court maintenance guy was gone, I would clean the courts and refill the big water coolers on each court.

Now this was no simple chore because these coolers were pretty big and generally at least half full of water and ice when I had to change them. To compound matters, the cafeteria where we went to replenish the water was upstairs, so carrying each of the coolers up individually would require a mountain of effort which I wasn't willing to give.

To solve this problem, the cafeteria let us use their cart/dolly type thing, if you could call it that. It was basically a rickety board on four multi directional wheels (like on the front of a shopping cart) with a handle that came up to waste height.

It was always an adventure getting the coolers from the tennis courts to the cafeteria. I'd load two or three of these things onto the cart and make my way down the hall and into the elevator.

Brilliantly, the elevator opens up on the second floor directly onto the running track. In order to get to the cafeteria from the elevator, you have to cross this busy track.

Oh but I'm not done!

The track was also elevated about an inch from the ground, so to get over the track, I have to move the cart to the back of the elevator, and gather some speed to get over the hump and onto the track, then maintain this speed to get off the track on the other end.

Brilliant design Mr. Architect.

Theorem 781 in "Arun's Guide to Lifetime Awesomeness" states: big water watercoolers + rickety old cart + highspeed bumps = bad news.

So one sunny Saturday, I'm making my way from the cafeteria back to the elevator with three coolers full of water. Crossing the track from the cafe to the elevator is made tougher because, pushing the cart, you can't see around the entry wall for oncoming traffic, so you have to just kind of go, and hope.

So, as usual, I gather speed and push the cart over the bump onto the track. Suddenly, I notice a runner in my path so I stop abruptly to let him pass.

I stopped. The Cart stopped. The Giant Water Coolers kept going.

It was like slow motion. They hit the track, and for an instant, they just layed there. All was safe?...I'm not that lucky. The lids simultaneously popped off from the impact and the water pressure. The running track became a slip n' slide.

Oh but I'm not done.

This spillage occured right in front of the elevator which happened to be right at the corner of the track where it banks for runners. What this means, is all of the water was draining into the elevator shaft!

Did I mention the brilliance of the architects?

I, slightly panicked, first wanted to get the cart and water coolers off of the track. I threw everything in the elevator and went down to unload them and grab towels. The elevator door opened and the only thing I could see was a waterfall in front of me from all the water flowing down the shaft. Once I made it under the water fall, I was greeted by a thoroughly pissed janitorial and maintenance crew.

Management wasn't too happy with me that day. The elevator was "out of order" for the next few days. which meant the normal tennis court maintenance guy had to carry each cooler up the stairs for the rest of the week to fill them.

At least I saved him the trouble of having to observe "Elevator Etiquette."

The Game-Killer

Many of us have heard about them, and a few of us are unlucky enough to meet them. I am one of the few.

The "Game-Killer" title must be used very carefully when applying it to a person. Only those possessing vast powers of "negative game" qualify for the Game-Killer title. So what is negative game? Allow me to briefly define these vital levels of game:

The Zero (he who has "no game") - This is the guy who goes out and doesn't talk to anybody. He is crippled by shyness, and essentially does nothing to affect the surrounding environment that would either help your game (reel the chics in) or kill your game (drive them away!). He is a non-factor.

The Gamer (he who has "positive game") - This is the guy you ideally would like to hang out with. He's super social, talks to everybody, and basically brings the party to you! Hanging out with this guy is always an experience and you end up meeting tons of people!

The Lost Cause (he who has "negative game") - You DO NOT want to hang out with this guy. He has an inherent quality of repulsiveness that drives the ladies (and the guys for that matter) away. This comes in various shapes and forms, from the "sleezy" type, to the nerd-balls who won't shut up about their new computer at work or their last game of "Dungeons and Dragons."

The Gamekiller. (he who has God-like abilities of feminine repulsion the likes of which few have yet to encounter) Now to be classified as a game-killer, one must have a special talent, part genetic, part idiotic for killing the game of those in his immediate environment. Actually, it goes beyond immediate environment. By simply admitting you KNOW the Gamekiller people are turned off by your association even if he's not there!

Not too long ago, I had the misfortune of meeting a Gamekiller.

This guy, who we'll call "GK," was a friend of a friend. After realizing his status as an elite negative gamer, I consulted my friend and expressed my concern. Luckily, ties are being cut from the Game-Killer as we speak.

Yes, this man almost single-handedly killed "Sunday Funday" a couple of weeks ago.

So a couple of weeks ago, Bryan decides to invite GK out with us to Sunday Funday. I'm don't know this guy really aside from briefly meeting him once, so I'm pretty indifferent. All I really know is that he's kind of "hickish" and has one of his front teeth missing.

Immediately after showing up, he starts annoying Brian and I by incessantly complaining about the whole five blocks we have to walk to Lahaina's bar on the beach. Little did I know, this was just the start. To spare you the painful details, let me summarize GK's gamekilling moves of the day.

-I invite a number of different groups of people to "share" our table (ie set their pitchers down on our table while we all hang out). Every group that comes up, GK starts trying to barter with them so he can have some of their beer for "allowing" them to use our table. At least two groups get fed up and leave.

-He claims to have no money and beats around buying any pitchers for the three of us, so Brian and I have to constantly leave and get another one while GK is left to wreak havoc on the groups we've invited over while drinking the beer we've bought.

-After I lightly chew him out for bugging everyone for beer, he finally buys a pitcher from the cute waitress but doesn't tip her, so we never see her again.

-We meet this group from Canada who's pretty friendly but he keeps pestering them with ridiculous questions like: "what's the money like there?" "What do you say differently there?" "Is the food different?" "Why do you say 'eh'?" Dude, it's freaking Canada, not Abu Dabi!!! No wonder they were getting irritated!!! It's on the same level as when people find out I'm from Alaska and they ask, "Is it cold up there?"

-At another bar, he again does not tip the bartender. One girl sees this and gives our group (which had grown by this point) an awkward look. I then notice he didn't tip and call the bartender over so that I can at least tip him.

Yes friends, he was a bonified Game-Killer. It took our combined powers of Game to defeat him and make Sunday Funday another success, but it was a close call!

For the sake of humanity, I ask each of you to truthfully evaluate yourself, and at all costs, prevent being the Game-Killer. After probably the quickest deliberation in the history of deliberations, we all decided GK was guilty and is no longer coming to Sunday Funday...well at least not with our group.

I know none of MY readers could possibly be Game-Killers, but that doesn't mean you won't encounter one someday. Just remember to continually improve your game, so that on the fateful day you may be in a Game-Killer's presence, you have the tools to overcome and defeat him! Good luck.

Six Ridiculous Inventions We Use Everyday

In you haven't been able to tell from reading any of my previous posts, I like to observe common everyday occurrences, and then make you all aware of how quirky some of them are. Well in today's edition of Daily Remedy (although I suppose its more like "Every-two-or-three-daily Remedy") I'm going to point out to you six inventions parts thereof, that have managed to stay in our lives over the years, despite there uselessness or inefficiency.

Usually these types of inventions are either temporary fads, or eventually get phased out. What types of inventions are these? How about: The Pogo-ball, Moon Shoes, Crystal Clear Pepsi, that Twirly-Bop thing women were supposed to use in there hair to get some crazy new doo, robot vacuum cleaners, Jolt, and a plethora of "Made for TV" items that you buy at Wal-Mart and never use.

Occasionally, some of these inventions slip through the cracks and somehow manage to remain in our daily lives. Its kind of like having gum on the bottom of your shoe. You know its there, but you also know how much of a pain it is to remove it, so you let it be. Everybody knows subconsciously how half-baked these inventions are, but no one really acknowledges their absurdity...that is until NOW! Yes, friends. I, Arun "Observer of All," am here to make my contribution to society. As a public service, I bring to you Six Ridiculous Inventions that have managed to weasel their way into our lives and stubbornly stick around.

1. The Revolving Door. You see them everywhere yet they must be the most inefficient door ever! You go up, and first of all you need to time your entrance and slip into one of the little slots if there's traffic going through. Its like you're playing freakin double dutch, and you have to time your entrance just right so that the jump rope (or the door in this case) doesn't catch you. Then, you need to keep up with the pace of the person in front of you. If the person in front is pushing to fast, the door nails you in the heals. The door's not that easy to push either. Its such a large apparatus that it actually takes some effort.

Then there's the bozo's who don't know it's ONE person per slot, and they jump in the same slot as you! Now you're awkwardly crowded in this little slot with someone stepping on your heals. Apparently normal doors were just not cutting it, so they (The Man) decided to make this huge piece of crap to irritate rational people like me!

2. M&M Minis. I loooove chocolate, and from a pure taste standpoint, I really like the taste of M&M Minis, but seriously. What were regular M&M's so big for us to handle that they had to make Minis? Great! Now instead of being able to stuff only 30 M&M's in my mouth, I can stuff 50! Brilliant! I challenge you to find one human mouth in this world than cannot comfortably accommodate an M&M.

I mean, I understand the concept of candy bars releasing bite size versions (also known as "fun size" which doesn't make sense to me because for me, "fun size" = "King Size") for portion control or whatever, but M&M's are already bite size! Actually, for a normal person, 20 M&M's is bite size. Somehow this useless addition has remained in the checkout line right next to its normal sized counterpart.

3. Moving Walkways. Actually, its not the walkway itself that I have a problem with, but its the "standing lane" on the walk way that's ridiculous! What, is walking so much effort that we have to have giant belts to usher people around to save them the energy? I think walkways are a good thing to have in large airports, especially when you're in a rush, but seriously, do we really need to have two lanes? And then, when you're actually in a rush, you have to squeeze past the lazy bastards standing on the walkway, who also are usually "width challenged", which makes for no simple task.

4. Tylenol Regular Strength. How is this still on the market when Tylenol Extra Strength is available for the same price? I'm willing to bet 95% of sick people would go for the "extra strength" variety when they are sick. In fact, just to make sure I was justified, I checked the recommended dosage and it is the same for both. So why would anyone take Tylenol Regular Strength to feel twice as good, when you can take Extra Strength and feel four times as good?

5. White-Out. Honestly, who the hell uses white-out anymore? Yet, go to the office supply section of Walmart and there's five different types to choose from. Do you honestly think you're going to fool someone by making the blunder blend in with the paper as if nothing ever happened? Rather than simpling drawing a strike through the incorrect word, someone felt like it would be better to have the ability to put some goop on the paper, wait for it to dry, then write over the goop in order to hide a mistake.

All this is assuming that you're writing on totally white paper which is rarely the case. Most people write on ruled paper which happens to be off white, thus rendering the whole purpose of white-out useless! How are they still in business?

6. Automatic Hand Dryers. After going to the bathroom, it's normal habit to wash your hands. Somewhere along the way, someone decided it was to much waste to use paper towels for drying. Instead, they invented an annoyingly noisy and energy consuming hand dryer. This may be the OUTRIGHT WINNER for dumb inventions.

Seriously, you finish washing, hit the button, and have the wait five freaking minutes to get any semblance of dryness. If you actually want your hands to be completely dry, you have to hit the button three times and stay there for a good seven minutes. I can probably count the number of times I've actually waited under that damn dryer to completely dry my hands, on one hand.

Its funny because, after washing, almost everyone hits the button thinking, "Hey, maybe THIS time the dryer will actually do something and dry my hands!" Inevitably, they give up and leave after ten seconds.

What's even more absurd are the hand dryers that they sometimes have mounted up high in locker rooms, for hair drying after showering. Are you kidding me? Who's gonna wait a freaking hour for their hair to dry under that thing!?!

I'm sure I must be leaving off other totally ludicrous inventions. Leave a comment and let me know what I'm leaving out. One can never have too much material to rant about!!!

The Handshake

One of the funny things I find myself often pondering, is the daily things we do that we don't put much thought into, but are actually quite complicated when you really think about it. The latest of these random ponderings, is the intricacies of the simple handshake.

I know what your thinking. "Common Arun! Only someone completely incompetant would find a handshake complicated! You're reaching on this one!" Bear with me as I take you into the wonderful world of handshaking etiquette and style!

Before I begin, I feel it necessary to define a few terms that ALL handshakers should be aware of:

Straight: Also known as the handshake grip, this is your "ordinary" handshake grip with your fingers straight ahead and thumb pointing up at roughly a 45 degree angle.

Clutch: This is the "cool" handshake with the fingers extended at a 45 degree angle up in which each shaker grips the "shakees" hand around the thumb region.

Delayed Release: This is generally a secondary addition to a "straight" or "clutch" in which each shaker curls his four fingers around the others four fingers before releasing.

Straight-five: A variation of the popular "high-five" except you go in as if going in for a straight, but instead of squeezing the others hand, you give him friendly hit a la a high five.

Now if your still with me, I've only defined some BASIC positions of handshaking. There are so many more! With all of these variations, its only natural that there'd be some confusion right?

For example, suppose you haven't seen a buddy in a long time. Generally this length of separation might call for a hug, but we all know that this isn't a common practice among guys. In this case, you go for the clutch and then pull in for the chest bump, meanwhile reaching around with your off hand to give a pat on the shoulder.

This however cannot be accomplished if you go in with the "straight" handshake and attempt a pull-in. Do this looks like you're trying to pull in your buddy to whisper sweet nothings in his ear...definite no-no.

My personal favorite is the clutch with a delayed release, followed by the the knuckle-touch. The only problem here is when people leave you hanging on the knuckle touch and you look like an idiot!

The thing is, people are so inconsistant when it comes to doing the knuckle touch as a finisher to a handshake. Its always a gamble and you have to guess one way or another. I can't tell you how many times I've gone in for the knuckle-touch and been left hanging! There I am with my hand balled up in a fist just sticking out there doing nothing! The question then is, do I try to be slick and put the fist away hoping no one saw my knuckle touch get blown off, or do I call the offending party out: "Hey man! Where's my knuckle pound!?!"

As purely a courtesy, I always go in for the knuckle touch as a handshake finisher to save the other party from the embarassment of being "left hanging." Yes, this does result in me being left hanging by those who don't practice the knuckle-touch finisher, but I'd rather it be me, than for for me to be the one causing emabarassment.

One of my favorite variations that I like to do when I'm saying goodbye to girls I've just met (if we haven't established enough of a rapport yet for a hug) is to go for the clutch followed by a delayed release. Now the beauty of the delayed release is that you are now perfectly in "thumb-war" position. So I go right into the thumb war! Guys, you should try this one.

I'm also, with girls, a fan of the high-five. I'm not a big fan of handshakes when meeting girls in a casual setting because generally, girls hands are so small and they usually don't give a real firm shake, so I feel like I'm gonna break there hand. Normal handshakes also feel too formal. So when I don't go for the fancy-schmancy shake, I do the high-five. Somehow high-fives are always fun, especially when you get perfect contact.

Now the crazy fun is when you take these handshake variations, and start using them in places where people wouldn't expect you too. For example, sometimes when I see people I know at work in passing, I'll automatically go up for the high five. Or, if I happen to be introducing myself to like a clerk or barista at a coffee shop, I'll go in for the handshake, but then shift into the clutch with a delayed release (and possibly a knuckle touch if it looks like they know what they're doing). This immediately ups the comfort level beyond what a normal handshake would've done.

So practice up on your handshakes! Knowing the variations can be very handy (get it? "hand"-y). Practice your skills, invent a few of your own (I've got a couple of crazy ones) and share the love! Know your situation and which shake is appropriate for that situation!

Oh the versatility of the everyday handshake!

The Trash Talking Wonder

There's no better feeling than talking a lot of trash, then following it up with the actual goods.

I imagine there would be no worse feeling than talking a lot of trash and following it up with abysmalness. I wouldn't know :)

Yes friends, I will admit that, among my friends, I am a serious trash talker. In fact, I don't even think what I say should be classified as "trash talk." It would be more accurate to call it "Truth."

I'm generally not an instigator since sometimes it's nice to fly under the radar, but the minute someone says anything controversial, I let the bombs fly and no one is safe!

The most recent example that comes to mind is the currently occurring March Madness. I was all set to have a nice, friendly little sweepstakes, but then I caught this little gem in a group email from my friend Aaron who set up our March Madness group.

"FYI
Most likely to win- Aaron
Most likely to lose - Arun"

Oh no he di'int! Nobody gets away with this! It was time for retaliation so I sent out this little gem of "Truth."

"What!?! Most likely to LOSE? Not only do I have a proven track record of kicking YOUR ass, but I have a proven track record of kicking ass in general! My methods are flawless and my teams perform. I was going to make it a close game this year, but now I'm afraid I'm going to have win outright. Good Luck for second place, and if someone wants my advice for picks, I usually charge five bucks per pick, but since you all are friends, I'll drop it to four."

Well we are currently almost halfway through the NCAA tournament and Aaron is holding down the sixth place spot with a vengeance! I meanwhile am situated quietly in first place.

Despite its simplicity, the art of good trash talking, and elevating it to "truth" status is actually quite complex. I'm going to share with you some excerpts from chapter 19 of "Arun's Guide to Lifetime Awesomeness," entitled "From Trash Talk to Truth: Breaking Down the Competition Before the Game Has Even Started."

1. Use historical examples. This should highlight examples of you previously kicking ass. You should then take these examples and make them analogous to major real world events such as Empires conquering Territories or Countries dominating a war.

2. Relay the messages with confidence and an element of "niceness." Saying things in a pseudo-complementary way is a dagger! (ie. "Justin, your tennis skills are amazing! You definitely would be top 5 material in my 'Tennis for Toddlers' class!")

3. Hyperbolize your opponents weaknesses. (ie. "Justin, I've got a couple of Coke bottles that you can maybe tape to your eyes so you can see the ball better")

4. Once the competition is over, discontinue the talk unless provoked. There's no better satisfaction than letting the competition stew in anger over not only losing to you, but knowing that you backed up your talk! Throwing additional jabs is not necessary unless they start up again in which case you now have so much ammo (since you just beat them) that their case is futile!

5. Don't fire barbs at sensitive area's. Making fun of Chubby Checker's weight or Margo Midget's height is too easy and not cool. Nobody likes a meanie.

6. Make fun of the opponents strengths! This totally turns the tables on them and makes the competition putty in your hands! Example: Justin refers to himself as "The Shot Master" for his prowess at being able to take a vast quantity quantity of shots, beyond what any normal man should be able to take. I would use this to my advantage if I were to shoot a verbal arrow his way (ie. "Justin, you're gonna be so tired from getting run around the tennis court, your gonna need those shot taking skills to guzzle back water! Meanwhile, I'll be holding a racquet in one hand and Saltines in the other."

I think I've given you enough tips to make you quite dangerous to engage in a friendly verbal joust! Just remember, "He who backs up trash talk with performance, speaks only Truth!" Good luck!

Damn that Short-Term Memory

Anytime I'm out and about, I try to meet as many people as possible. I talk to girls, guys and even the animals. It's something I love to do. There is only one small problem with meeting lots of people in a short amount of time. You forget who you've met and who you haven't.

Take last week for example. After spending all day skiing at Mammoth Mountain, a few of us decide to go out to one of the local bars. While I was there, I took the opportunity to talk to as many people as possible. I met people from all over! LA, San Diego, Denver, New York, Canada...everywhere!

Honestly, I am a man, so naturally much of my conversating may have been with attractive women in the bar. Unless I'm totally drawn to someone, or a group of people, I like to sort of make a "first pass" and meet everyone for a few minutes, then later when I see them again, we chat like old friends.

That is, if I remember meeting them. Note to guys out there: once you've introduced yourself to a girl, try not to introduce yourself to her again! They are generally not too thrilled when you forget. I met a girl from Colorado soon after I got to the bar. About an hour later I bumped into her again, only I wasn't sure if I had met her or not.

We started chatting and when I asked where she was from, she gave me a light slap in the chest and a disgusted look as if I was supposed to remember. As soon as she did that it all came flooding back, but it was too late! She wanted no part of me.

Cross this one off the list.

The thing is, I have a MAJOR disadvantage for remembering a lot of different people in a short period of time. I mean, how many times have you seen a tall Indian guy out and about, doing Michael Jackson moves on the dancefloor and high-fiving people he doesn't know? I feel much more recognizable than John Smith or Joe Johnson.

Yesterday, I almost made a SERIOUS blunder. I was at my favorite coffee shop, The Living Room, reading, when this cute blonde sat at the table in front of me. She was sitting with her back facing me but I had caught a glimpse of her face when she walked in.

As I got up to go talk to her, a guy walks into the coffee shop, and she gets up and gives him a hug. They go to the counter to order coffee, and by the sounds of their conversation, they're on a first date (yes I was eves dropping).

Shucks.

As I go back to reading, I all of a sudden realize that I know this girl! She's this nurse that I met, ironically at a Starbucks, whom I dated a couple of times before letting it die.

Wow. This guy just saved me from some SERIOUS embarrassment. I can't imagine the plethora of scenarios that would have played out had this guy not walked in at just the right time!

I have no doubt that she would've recognized me. In fact, it's pretty ridiculous that I didn't recognize her in right away.

I've come to terms that I just have "one of those faces." Luckily, I haven't met anyone that looks like me (although I do get annoyed when someone says "you look like so-and-so!" I mean, honestly! Does this drive anyone else nuts!?! If anything, so-and-so looks like ME!). If do ever find my twin though, I'll have to start some kind of magic act.

The "Do Not Touch" List

I'm a fun-loving super social guy who loves giving high fives and making up new crazy handshakes with all of my friends. I am also well aware that people's hands carry more germs than almost anything else you can touch.

In general, I don't mind being exposed to moderate amounts of foreign germs. It seems logical that the more germs I am exposed to, the stronger my immune system will become as it adapts to each foreign particle introduced into my system. I hardly ever get sick, so this must be true to some extent right?

There is one exception to my germ exposure though. Anything coming from a bathroom is not welcome anywhere near me! I (as should any sensible person) have a tremendous aversion to anything emanating from the bathroom. As a result, one of my biggest pet peeves are the lazy sicko's who don't wash there hands after going to the bathroom!

DISGUSTING!

My aversion to this has resulted in my personal "Do Not Touch" list. That's right. If I am in the bathroom and catch you exiting without a wash, you are automatically flagged on my mental list. In fact, once you're on this list, it's virtually impossible to get off this list for a few reasons.

1) If you are already a friend, you're automatically dropped at least two tiers by virtue of you're laziness for hygiene.
2) You are definitely not coming over to my house with the potential of contaminating my sterile possessions.
3) I'm not coming to your place knowing that everything I'm touching has potential remnants from your Johnson.
4) I don't make a habit of going to the bathroom in herds (a la every female I know) so I don't know if your lack of awareness is a one time slip or a repeated offense.

Bottom line, you will not be getting any type of a handshake or high five from me. I know what you're thinking. "But Arun, what if Joe Dirtyhands approaches with an open hand to give me a handshake or a high five? Am I just supposed to make things awkward by blowing off his attempt to be friendly???"

Don't worry, I have a solution to this dreaded situation! This is where we get to enjoy the glorious invention known as the "Knuckle Touch!" The knuckle touch is awesome because not only are you being hip AND friendly, but you are avoiding the highly contaminated finger/palm area! When they come at you with an open hand, just counter with a closed fist and they'll automatically go in for a friendly knuckle touch.

Disaster Averted!!!

A Couple of other gross bathroom observations:

Observation 1:

Why is it that guys have absolutely NO aim in public toilets? I mean, if you go in there on a busy night, its like a war zone in there with urine all over the floor and toilet seat.

I find myself peeing with my feet in like a karate stance positioned on the only two dry spots on the floor! When finished, I carefully balance on one foot, and judo kick the handle to flush. This is tricky because you have to judo kick around the raised seat (if it is indeed raised, because if it's not, there's no way I'm touching that seat to raise it) and balance on your one foot on the ground. Slipping is not an option!!!

Observation 2:

About a month ago a friend and I stopped by my favorite Irish Pub in San Diego, The Field, for a beer. I had to go to the bathroom pretty bad, and the guys was full, so I snuck into the girls bathroom which consisted of two stalls.

It became immediately clear when I was inside pissing away that I had company in the stall next to me. I had always wondered whether girls are capable of making the violent sounds I have heard in men's bathrooms. Well she answered this question for me with a resounding (and I mean RESOUNDING) yes! Without going into the disgusting details, she was absolutely DESTROYING the poor toilet next to me.

So I'm standing there peeing away and I realize that by the sound of the stream hitting the water, its pretty obvious that a guy is in the stall next to her. So, to preserve any embarrassment for her (and me) I frantically re-aim my stream so that it banks off the porcelain right above the water line, thus disguising the telling sound of male urination.

As I'm wrapping up, I notice that she is also by the sounds of the miles of toilet paper shes pulling off the dispenser. I REALLY don't want to see whoever this is or have any type encounter, so I'm trying as hard as I can to squeeze out the last few drops and get the hell out of there.

I run out of the stall, but there's no way I'm leaving without washing my hands. As I'm washing, I hear a flush. Time is running out, and there's no time for drying! I dash for the door, and just as I'm about to open it, it flies open as two girls are entering. The first girl exclaims "WHOA!!! Isn't this the GIRLS bathroom!"

Simultaneously, I here the stall door which my noisy neighbor was in, open and she gives a incredulous, "HUH!?!?!" Without looking back, I ran the hell out of not only the bathroom, but the bar as well. There was no way I was going to risk bumping into that girl.

After the battle that was going down with her porcelain throne, she better have washed her hands. Either way, she's still solidly on the "Do Not Touch" List.

The Assumed Tip

One of the jobs that I've always wanted to do, is be a waiter at a nice restaurant. A waiter you ask? Yes, a waiter. I think it would be fun interacting and bantering with a plethora of different customers, knowing that I am largely in control of how much extra I'm getting.

I also think that I would be pretty good at it. I love interacting with people, and as a normal person who goes out to eat once or twice a week, I notice some who are not so grand at the "high end food service position."

Take last night for example. It's Aaron's birthday, so a bunch of us go to this pretty nice steak house. The ambiance is pretty good and we get seated right away. So far so good.

The Waitress comes by for drink orders and we order up...twenty minutes later our drinks arrive. So what the hell complicated drink order did we place that it took TWENTY minutes? Nine waters and a beer.

One slip up, no big deal.

I pleasantly alert the waitress that we are ready to order. Two of our friends had some car trouble and hadn't shown up yet, but since it was getting late, we agreed that I would order for them. The conversation between the waitress and I goes something like this:

Me: "Thanks, I think we're also ready to order"
Waitress: "Okay"
Me: "I'm actually gonna go ahead and order for my friends who are going to be late as well"
Waitress: "WHAT!?! You mean you're not even going to WAIT for them?! (rolls her eyes)
Me: "Well uh..."
Waitress: Let me go get my notepad."

She was completely serious! I mean a line like that would have been funny had there been some sarcasm behind it, but there was none! So it takes her another TWENTY-FIVE minutes to get her notepad so we can place our order. Conveniently, she gets her way because by the time she comes back, our other friends have arrived.

I won't bore you with the rest of the subpar service but lets just say I wasn't a real happy camper. What irked me even more was that a 15% gratuity was already added when we got the bill!

I am a firm believer that 15% is for good service (most of the time), 20% is for excellent service (rare), and less than 15% is reserved for things like waiting TWENTY MINUTES FOR WATER. I also wasn't too thrilled that she gave me attitude about ordering for my late friends. This was ridiculous though! I was FORCED to give her a tip for being "good!"

One thing that's interesting is that other people in the waitressing business either currently or formerly, always feel extra sympathetic for waitresses.

Sympathetic People: "Oh she's working hard!", "She's probably had a long day!", "Its really busy!" They seem to think its a given that they are going to get a tip.

Not my problem. I DO feel sympathetic if the waitress is extra appologetic and she legitimately seems to have been thrust with too many tables. But when they bring the 'tude, I bring El Cheapo.

Now you probably think I'm some sort of a demanding tyrant when I go out to eat, but there's nothing further from the truth. The last time (and only time) I sent food back was six years ago at Applebee's when my medium-well steak came back scorched on the outside, and mooing on the inside. I'll admit I'm also a shameless flirt in general with waitresses.

Other general restaurant observations:

-I hate the feeling of sitting down at your table, starving, before you've ordered, knowing that the kitchen hasn't even begun to think about cooking your food.

-I hate when the waitress is bringing out food, and you get all excited because you think it's yours, but at the last second she serves a table right next to you.

-I'm always worried when I get those little vibrating-flashy-light that I'm gonna some how miss it going off, or I'm going to be out of range and miss my table!

-About half the time I go out to eat and I give a name for a table, I give the hostess the name of someone I'm with, because if I give them my name, I have to listen for about six different pronounciations that people come up with.

-It's always fun to see someone get the birthday song from the restaurant staff, but after the first time, the novelty wears off big time!

-The think bartenders get far too many tips for what they do, especially if its just opening a bottle of bear or filling a cup from a tap. I still tip em' just so I can get service in the future, but its still stupid.

-I secretly worry when I get a waiter who doesn't feel the need to write anything down and goes by memory. Interestingly, these people are usually Asian...is this why Asians are so smart?

-There used to be this Indian restaurant I'd take friends to in San Luis Obispo. Everytime I got the bill, I'd get a mystery 10% discount. This never happened to anybody else. This became known as "The countryman discount"...I wish I was Thai.

I know there are more, but I'd be interested to hear any of your restaurant observations/ramblings.

The Tax-Man Saves The Day

Now that I have a full time job, a lot of financial responsibility has fallen onto my shoulders. Though I worked through college, I never realized how many expenses loans, scholarships, and some help from my parents were covering.

Enter the real world.

I was so excited to be getting paid the "big bucks!" Awaiting the end of college was a lavish lifestyle of fun and entertainment! So what was the first thing I realized when I started getting the bills?

Life is expensive.

That's right. Simply to live (especially in Southern California) you have to bring home a reasonable amount of dough! Here I am thinking I'd have a surplus of dough to play with, but instead I find myself making pizzas for property management, utility companies, and car dealers! And I'm not talking cheese pizza either. Property management is charging me for a freakin delux-combo with all the works and parmesan cheese on the side!

Suffice to say, I have to be frugal with some of my expenses to accomodate my savings rate (about 20%) and my addiction to fun, excitement, and adventures. I have actually been doing pretty well recently. I have been saving MORE than my goal, and have been having more fun and adventures than ever before!

Enter February. The month is half way done, and I am getting KILLED with expenses. Allow me to explain:

Unnexpected expense 1: I take my car in for an oil change and the guy tells me that my allignment is out o' wack, and my tires are bald because of it, thus putting me in a "real unsafe situation." Great. I shell out ludicrous amounts of cash to get this fixed. All good right? WRONG! I get my car back and I'm driving on the freeway when all of a sudden my car starts to kind of swerve within my lane! At first I thought it was just me getting used to the upgraded handling, but I soon realize that not only is my handling not upgraded, its completely gone!

I drive in this death trap for a week because I don't have time during the work-week to go back. When I take it back he tells me "We found the problem. Someone forgot to tighten XYZ bolt in the XYZ compartment causing the steering to wander." WHAT!?! So in my effort to get out of the "real unsafe situation," you guys create a killing machine for me to drive around in for a week because you forgot to tighten a bolt? Brilliant.

Unnexepected Expense 2: I just bought San Diego Chargers Season Tickets. Now let me make one thing clear. I HATE the Chargers. So it makes perfect logic that I buy season tickets right? Actually my plan is to go to the Chiefs (Greatest Team Ever) game and one other game, and then sell the rest. Tickets go for a pretty penny around here so I'll probably make some money. This is kind of an investment that won't pay off until next year, but its still a loaf from the bread bank.

Unnexpected Expense 3: Well this was only half-unnexpected, but a bunch of us are going to Mammoth next week for skiing. When you live in California, you generally don't have a lot of winter gear lying around, which means shopping spree time! Now I haven't skiied in probably ten years but luckily I have medical insurance which should cover my post ski trip expenses as well as the state-of-the-art turbo powered, breath controled wheelchair I plan to buy. There's like ten of us all staying in the same condo so there should be some stories and adventures from this trip.

Unnexpected Expense 4: UCSD has the most ridiculous parking policy. Essentially, unless you shell out for a parking pass, there is no time during the day that you can park there! It was only forty bucks but still, I was pissed for not only giving them forty bucks, but the way it happened. Four of us are playing tennis. One of our friends (B-Rye) and another girl are also there watching. B-Rye and girl go to Starbucks to get coffee. One hour later girl is back and sits on the side of our court watching tennis. Ten minutes later...

Us: "Where is B-Rye?"
Girl: "Oh he's moving his truck"
Us: "What? Why's he moving his truck?"
Girl:"Oh some lady is up there ticketing all the cars"
Us: "WHAT!!"

With that Aaron and dash up the hill to our cars and are each greeted with nicely placed $40 tickets. Yes, we were now playing an eighty dollar tennis match. Why this girl didn't think to say ANYTHING is beyond me.

I've been dreading having to do my taxes, but I finally sat down this weekend to bang em out and was greeted with a pleasant suprise. Not only am I getting money back, but I'm getting enough to cover all of the above expenses and to put some away! YES! I officially LOVE tax returns!

As a side note this was my first time doing taxes, but I HIGHLY recommmend Intuit Turbo Tax. It made everything super easy and straightforward, and helps you understand exactly which deductions you qualify for.

So if you haven't done your taxes yet, you might be in for a pleasant suprise and the Tax-Man might just save the day!

Airplane!

Airplanes are one of the greatest inventions ever. They get us places near and far in very little time. I must say though, I have quite the love-hate relationship with airplane travel. True, they are fast, but a plethora of annoyances come along with them. Allow me to rant.

1. First class. Oh those damn first class passangers. You wait, wait, wait, then finally board the plane. Strolling through, at least 50% of them are doing something with their smart phones. In the other hand is a drink that I know I'll have to wait another 45 minutes to get.

Occassionally I get seated near the front of the plane. I lean over to peer into first class and what happens? *swish!* Curtains closed! Apparently the sight of us meer coach travellers is too much to bear for the first class passengers. It's not even as if the curtain blocks out sounds or anything! Want to use the bathroom in first class? Don't even think about it!

2. The Drink Cart. As nice as it is to get a free coke on the plane, the drink cart causes a myriad of problems. Ever gone to the bathroom and come out to see they are serving drinks? There's no way you're getting to you seat anytime soon. Conveniently the drink cart is just wide enough to COMPLETELY block traffic.

On the last flight I took, I was feeling really parched after boarding, but fell asleep for about half hour. I woke up and noticed the drink cart had just passed me. Damn! I had a window seat so I wasn't in a position to flag anyone down. I suppose I could have used the call button, but I have never pressed that thing in my life. Somehow, I feel like that button should just be used for emergencies.

If I'm in the aisle seat however, even if I'm asleep, I never miss the drink cart. Why? Well I have long legs, so sometimes the edge of my knee sticks into the aisle a little bit. The drink cart comes by...WHAM! Insantly awake by the all to familliar throbbing knee!

3. The fatty. Possibley the worst person you can have sitting next to you is a Fatty McFatterson. When I'm sitting in a plane before my row is filled, I always watch the people walking by to there seats, secretly hoping certain people won't sit next to me. You know what I mean.

The fatty neighbor basically ruins the whole flight! If you are unlucky enough to have forgotten to lower the arm rest separator, then you're totlally screwed...you're only getting half of your seat for the flight. Hell even if you do lower the arm rest, the fat has a way of spilling over and invading your territory.

4. The baby. I love kids and baby's but God help me I secretly lose it when they start crying uncontrollably on airplanes. Seriously, inside I'm exploding with frustration! Advice to parents, if your baby has any remote chance of starting up on the plane, don't go on the trip! Even then, you should have about five contigiency plans to get the baby to stop once on-board.

5. The bathroom. Lets just say taking a piss while there's turbulance should be a sport. It combines balance, aim, and determination. And I don't know who in their right mind would ever even consider sitting on that thing!

6. Luggage. Am I the only one who has this anxiety when waiting for my luggage of "Oh man I hope it made it!" The longer you wait, the more you are convinced that it's lost until it finally shows up (unless it really is lost which has happened to me).

6. Other issues...the pillow (seriously what is this? Its a piece of fabric stuffed with an ounce of cotton candy), the meal (which now costs EXTRA and its not cheap. As if the ticket doesn't cost enought!), the talker (sometimes on the plane, I just wanna sleep and this guy/girl can't shut up!), skymall magazine (I must admit I'm a little entertained but when the hell am I gonna need a nosehair trimmer that plays mp3's, a laser pointer that doubles as a bottle opener, or a robot patio sweeper!?), the headphone jacks that don't work right with normal headphones, so when you plug yours in, you get a blast of sound from only one ear, and finally Loud Music Guy who blasting the music in his ears that only is he going to go deaf, but I can't sleep with putting my earphones on and blasting my music just to drown his out!

Ironically, I love to travel.

The Stage-2 Clinger

I think we'd all agree that male-female relationships and interactions are pretty interesting. In almost all cases, men and women take common roles in these relationships. Man talks to woman, woman accepts, man eventually calls woman, man takes woman out...the average progression of a relationship. In most cases, the relationship fizzes out at some point. Why? Either the man or woman loses interest. And what does he or she do when they lose interest? They stop calling/returning phone calls.

Ocassionally we encounter what is referred to as the "clinger." Who is the clinger? The clinger is the person who refuses to let go of a relationship, despite what the other half may think or do. They can be men or women, but either way, no one wants one in a relationship.

Well friends, I have on my hands a stage-2 clinger.

What is a stage-2 clinger you ask? Let me define stages 1 & 3 of this syndrome first, then I will get to my little situation. Before I go on, let me put in a little disclaimer that this is obviously from a male's point of view, and I know good and well that there are plenty of male clingers out there (probably more than female), so don't get up in arms at my critisism.

The Stage-1 Clinger: The stage-1 clinger is generally not that bad, and can sometimes be a little cute at first. This is the girl who doesn't really want to let you go when you first meet her. If she's going to get a drink, she'll pull you along. Looking at another girl? She'll pull you back before you can even get a once over. She'll follow you around, and if you don't ask for her number, she'll ask for yours.

The Stage-3 Clinger: This is big trouble and calls for swift ejection! This is generally the girl who you've gone out with a couple of times and thinks she's in love with you! She gets mad that you haven't changed your myspace status to "in a relationship." She calls to find out where you are and why you haven't called her. Keep in mind this is generally in the first week or two of dating! Stage-3 is unreformable and calls for a clean break.

Now on to my little stage-2 clinger. For identity protection, we'll call her "Jessica." I met this girl last week at Belo(yes the same night as my little kidnapping adventure). She's this cute Latina girl who's, I think, 21.

Things are going well, we're dancing, chatting, and *cough* possibly making out a little *cough*. She was a little "stage-1" that night but nothing I couldn't handle. As the night begins coming to a close, I realize that I'm not going to be persuing anything more for a couple of reasons:

Strike 1: She lives in San Ysidro. For those of you who don't know, San Ysidro is basically the U.S.'s version of Tijuana. Its right on the border, and if you don't know spanish, you'd have a hard time living there.

Strike 2: She lives with her Mom, Dad, and Sister. Not something I really want to deal with.

So anyways, I can't get her number (which btw, I was doing just as a formality becuase I knew she'd be upset if I didn't) because my phone is dead so I give her mine. Big mistake.

This week I've gotten 1 text message, 1 voice mail, and 3 missed calls none of which I have returned! This is the stage-2 clinger.

Stage-2 Clinger: After the first meeting, she calls you as if you are already in a relationship. An unreturned voicemail just means to call again.

Honestly, I feel pretty bad about this because there's nothing fundamentally wrong with her. She was nice enough, and she was cute, but she just has some things I don't want to do deal with. In fact, I was thinking about calling her back and going out with her once just for HER sake, then I realized how silly of an idea this was.

I know girls do this all the time, but I honestly feel bad whenever I blow off a girl. It is though, the easiest way to end something with minimal feelings being hurt. If I took her out once, THEN never called her, she'd feel even worse!

So the multiple calls was strike 3 and she's out. Stage-2 status carries a high probability of stage-3 escalation which I really don't want to deal with. I pray she doesn't find my myspace profile and click on the link to this page because I would HATE for her to read this article.

So boys and girls, please try not to be clingers, and if you experience any of the symptoms described above, slap yourself across the face and tell yourself "I am not this needy!!!" And for those of you who encounter clingers, be careful. Its a tough problem to fix, and getting out without hurting anyone's feelings can be tough.

Maybe this is something I should learn to deal with though...afterall, it is me, and who wouldn't want to cling to ME?