Beauty and the Creep

An article I wrote a few months ago for a small local publication.

Beauty and the Creep
Just Because Men Like Tools, Doesn’t Mean We Have to Be Them
-Arun Srinivasan

By day, she’s the girl-next-door. By night, she’s a feisty minx whose bite only the calmest and coolest of men can withstand. No, she’s not a one of a kind girl…she’s most girls.

I, nor any other man, will ever completely understand women--big surprise. They are a complex gender with even more complex behavior. Some of these peculiarities are evident during their everyday living however; the level of confusing behavior gets magnified during their frequent “nights out.”

Most men have grandiose visions of going to a bar, meeting a beautiful woman and living happily ever after. What’s wrong with this picture? Sure, bars and clubs are places that attract a lot of beautiful, single and flirtatious women but there’s a catch, these aren’t the same “nice girls” that we meet during the day. A lot of guys mark 10:00 p.m. as the start of “Wabbit Hunting Season” and are about as effective as Elmer Fudd hunting Bugs Bunny.

So why is it so difficult for most men to meet a beautiful, intellectual and “nice” girl at a club or bar? Well, there are two problems. The first is that women put up the infamous “force-field of bitchiness” that is extremely challenging for any normal guy to break through. This brings me to the second problem: A lot of normal guys all of a sudden become “Sleazy McSleazerson” as soon as they enter a bar. Normal, friendly behavior all of sudden transforms into excessive ogling, pick-up lines and, most popular of all, buying drinks for random girls.

Rule number 2493 in “Arun’s Guide to Lifetime Awesomeness:” Never buy random girls drinks!

Before I continue, let me share a short anecdote from a recent weekend outing.

It’s Friday night and I’m out with a buddy and some female friends of mine when we all decide we're feeling a little parched. My buddy and I go buy us a beer (our Friday thirst quencher of choice) and I watch as my friend Trish, newly 21, tests the power of a woman at a bar. She spots an open space at the bar and approaches. As with any bar, there are men all around her. Trish is an attractive girl and the man next to her takes note of her presence. Within 30 seconds he’s offering to buy her and another female friend a drink. I never learned his name, but for the sake of simplicity, let’s just call him “Tool.”

Obviously the girls must’ve been a little interested in Tool, right? Think again.

What does he receive in return for his generosity? Eight minutes of fluff conversation with one of the girls, then back to being Mr. Lonely…for a few minutes. Later we see the same thing happen with Tool and some other girl. Trish, having finished her drink, decides to go back for seconds and the conversation goes something like this:

Trish (to Tool and other girl he is attempting to mack): “Hey! Lets all get Jaeger shots!”
Other Girl: “That sounds great!”
Tool: “Uhh, Ok!”
Trish: “I need another drink too for after. Do you want one (to the other girl)?”

Trish and the other girl, who don't even know each other, exchange a knowing look. Somehow women can communicate to each other telepathically even if they’ve never met. A prime example of this happening is when some guy is talking to a girl and she wants to bail out, also known as, "be saved." All she has to do is make eye contact with a woman, any woman, in the bar and she will come to the rescue, but I digress.

Other Girl: Yea!
Trish (to the bartender): We're gonna need 3 shots of Jaeger and two cocktails! Thanks!

And who do you think pays? Yes, our poor, naïve friend Tool sitting at the bar. So what happens afterwards? Eight minutes later he's sitting all alone waiting for the next girl he can wine and dine.

Part of me wants to feel sorry for him, but the reality is that he embodies his name and is foolishly being a complete tool. If you let yourself be taken advantage of, it is going to happen! The sad truth is, 70% of guys at bars are regular guys turned idiots or tools, or some combination of the two.

Let me break it down. When a guy offers to buy a girl a drink, what he's really saying is, "I'm not interesting enough or confident enough to talk to you on my own, but I figure if I buy you a gift, you'll think I'm nice and want to stay and talk to me and eventually we'll live happily ever after."

When a woman is offered a drink by a random guy, she's thinking, "Score! Free drink courtesy of Toolbag (Tool’s twin brother)! All I have to do is stay and make small talk with him for eight minutes and I'm out of here! And if he turns out to be a creeper, I’ll just throw the ‘save me’ eyes out there and be on my merry way! "

But Tool is not the only lost cause in the bar. Oh no! Even worse is Sleazy McSleazerson. Sleazy doesn’t hide his feelings vocally OR physically. In an effort to show how loving he his, he gets close…VERY close, during conversation. Sometimes he gets carried away with his expression of love and throws around phrases such as “Oh Baby Oh Baby Ohhhh Girl!” which loosely translated to normal speak means, “Hello. I think you’re very pretty and would like to talk to you about making children.”

When Sleazy is not feeling particularly talkative, he heads to the dance floor. He specializes in the “Bump and Grind” and has evolved it to the even more advanced “Air Hump.” Amazingly, he enjoys success amongst women who are ten or more drinks deep.

Jimmy ShyGuy doesn’t enjoy the same success though. He’s too scared to talk to women and generally likes to guard a nice piece of wall while intently monitoring the crowd. For some reason, he thinks beautiful women are most apt to attack his piece of wall and gazes at them a little longer. As soon as they look back though, he looks away lest they figure out he’s on to them!

Then there’s Neil Nice. Girls don’t mind him at first. He’s non-threatening, but rarely does he have the weapons to break through the aforementioned “Force-Field of Bitchiness.” Some women do let him through, but even then he’s just too nice and too boring. Many times, Neil conducts the on-the-spot job interview: “Where are you from? What do you do? What do you do for fun?” There’s no better way than to rebuild that force-field than by conducting the uber-exciting bar interview.

Neil is not always boring though! Sometimes he’s fascinating, but in the end the niceness kills his chances at romance. He thinks by first becoming bosom buddies with a girl, he can hop from the “friends ladder” to the “relationship ladder.”

No dice.

Once a girl has placed you on the "friends ladder" you have to be a downright "pro athlete of seductiveness" to successfully make the leap over to "relationship ladder." Trust me...women slicken up those upper "relationship ladder" rungs nice and good, and hanging on after the leap is nearly impossible.

Occasionally, a not-so-normal guy enters the bar. He has social savvy and charm. Let’s just call him “Arun.” He’s interesting to talk to, observant of body language and has an inherent charisma that draws women in. Rare though he is, he does exist.

The women of tomorrow are incredibly lucky. According to Darwinism, only “the fittest beings survive and replicate.” This means that Toolbag, Sleazy McSleazerson, Jimmy ShyGuy, and Neil Nice probably won’t be having a lot of children and Arun Jr.’s will be charming all of the women of tomorrow ;)