Butt Slappers and Switch Hitters

Isn't it interesting that, from the title alone, I could be talking about either baseball players, or homosexuals?

Last weekend, a good friend of mine passed her "Professional Engineering" test, so a few of us used this as an excuse to go out and celebrate (as if I ever need an excuse). We wanted to do something a little different. Me, being one who's always up for trying something new, suggested a brand new club in San Diego called "Universal." The pictures looked cool, and it is in a different area of town than most of the other clubs.

It's in Hillcrest.

For those of you who don't know, Hillcrest is the area of town where the San Diego Gay Population congregates. However, Universal is NOT a gay bar, so we're all game.

When we arrive, everythings great! We get in, hang out, the crowd looks nice. As the night wears on however, the crowd starts changing. More and more guys start rolling in, and the quality of attire goes up exponentially. After a while, I took a look around and realized it: we were surrounded by players "batting for the other team."

I went to the bathroom and was a little shocked to see a FEMALE bathroom attendant! Well, I guess there's a first time for everything. But I was curious...I wanted to see what her voice sounded like. I asked her her name and was half expecting her to say "KENdra" or "ROBERTa." Instead she came at me in a high pitched, very female voice with, "Hi, I'm Cha-Cha!"

Seriously? CHA CHA!?!? Oh yea, it's NOT a gay bar.

When I came out, I bumped into Jay, my flaming gay hair-cutter.

Jay: "OH MY GAAAAWWD ARUN! How's that lovely hair of mine doing?!"

Apparently since he cut my hair, he now has ownership over it.

Jay: "You should come by, and I'll shape it up for you!"

As Darren and I walked through the crowd, we both caught some very wandering eyes...and voices. "Oh My GAAAAWD! Your eyes are beautiful!" exclaimed one guy to me as his friend fawned over Darren telling him how "model" he is. At first I was eating it up. Why should I deprive someone the pleasure of telling me how amazing I am? :) Soon though, I knew he had "hidden agendas."

I'd appreciate it if you keep your agendas safely tucked away, thank you very much. Obviously we ejected.

Although I was moderately popular amongst the gays, Darren was a downright STAR! He was getting hit on left and right. And when I say "hit on," I mean that in both the figurative AND literal sense. Yes, at least two guys slapped his backside! Now, Darren's a well dressed, somewhat "metro" guy, so I could see how gay people might like him, but this was ridiculous. The reactions he was getting were like a professional female model walking through any normal club. By the end of the night, Darren was standing in conversation with a girl, with one hand behind his back protecting his backside from abuse.

At one point, I saw a very cute girl staring at me. Obviously I went over to see what's up.

Me: "Hey, do I look familiar to you or something?"
Her: "Oh, I was just telling me friend who's single, how handsome you guys are!"
Me: "Oh is THAT all? (giving a rye smile)"
Her: "But we assumed that you guys were 'together'"
Me: "What!?!"
Her: "Well you're both dressed well, you're groomed, walking next to each other, and YOU DO have a ponytail! (I had my hair tied back that night)"

I thought for a moment, and realized I couldn't argue with any of the facts presented...they were all true!

Me: "You mean my MANLY strut doesn't just scream testosterone and masculinity?!?"
Her: "Ummm...I don't know...maybe?"
Me: "Maybe? HA! MAYBE!?!? Well I'm going to go and work on my MANLY walk while using my power tools, watching football, drinking beer, and talking about cars!"

We then made our way to the dance floor to bust some moves...but this didn't last for long. I now know how girls feel. There were dance floor predators all around, just waiting to "pounce and grind." No Thank you. I was outa there in a few minutes.

Overall though, the night was actually really fun. There was a fair share of women, and they were all EXTREMELY receptive, especially when they found out we weren't gay. In fact, I made it a point to almost always be in conversation with some girls to sort of deflect anyone from hitting on me (but more likely Darren - He who is worshipped by the gays.)

Problem is, girls don't really do much to deflect gay attraction. Gay guys have TONS of girlfriends! Darren and I went for late night pizza next door with two very cute Latina girls whom we assigned the task of "Man shielding" us. Luckily it worked. Whenever any guy came up to start a conversation, and it appeared they were "looking for something more" one of the girls would just throw an arm around us. Boom! Problem solved.

Gay people are nice but, in Darren's case, they sure are persistent.