Six Behaviors That Annoy Me

Ahhh...it's been too long since I've done a good ol' fashioned rant! I used to listen to the Adam Carolla Show every morning and he used to have this segment called "What CAN'T Adam Complain About" where callers would suggest really great things like "ice-cream," or "Sunny Days," or "Winning the lottery" and Adam would find someway to rant and complain about it.

At first this drove me nuts! "This guy seems in a constant state of complaint and misery!" Then in grew on me...and I realized the exquisite art form there is to the rant!

So in the spirit of celebrating the art form of ranting, I would like to share with you six behaviors which you should avoid at all costs! And if you do any of these, now is the time to adopt a rigid plan to rid yourself of them!

1. You know how sometimes you just stare at something, not really looking at it, but just daydreaming or thinking about something? Your eyes look a little dazed and funny, but you're just in thought.

Then a person asks you, "What's wrong?" when there is absolutely NOTHING wrong. They don't ask "Is something the matter?" That would be too easy. They assume there's something the matter and ask "What's wrong?" Ooooooh, this one drives me NUTS! Why is this soooo annoying? Because the minute you say "nothing," they think you're trying to hide something and start pressing you.

The harder they press, the more you insist...then they come at you with, "well if nothing's wrong, then why are you being SO defensive!" AHHHH!!! I'm cracking up as I'm writing this because winning this argument is futile!

Of COURSE I'm being defensive! There's really nothing wrong! The irony is, now there IS something wrong because YOU keep bothering me about it! Do you think you can fix it?!? Most of the time, it's someone who doesn't even know you that well!

2. Word Mispronunciations. These are mild annoyances, but I hear them everyday, and each time I do, I cringe on the inside. Worse still is that people who say them never want to make an effort to correct themselves! They have a "this is how I talk so deal with it" attitude. The most annoying mispronunciations that come to mind are:

-"alls you have to do"....There's no dad-gum 'S' in the word "all!" It's such a common word that this one KILLS me! My roommate Danny is a DAILY offender of this one.

-"SupposeBly" instead of "SupposeDly" Bah! My old buddy Jeff is the prime offender here. Everytime I hear it, I cringe on the inside. I think the bastard enjoys my annoyance at this.

-"NuCUlar" instead of "NuCLEar." If only our president and about 50% percent of the US population knew how to say this word correctly...

-"Irregardless" instead of "regardless." Irregardless is NOT a word! It doesn't exist! In fact, it's a double negative contained in one word so it violates both grammar AND spelling.

-"InterGAL instead of InteGRAL." This one I've only heard one person do, but it drove me nuts everyday for three months. I had a math teacher in college who was the vocab offender. The whole damn quarter we were learning complex integration, and everytime he said "Intergal" I'd repeat in my mind "IntegRAL" three times because I was afraid I'd start saying it like him! JEEZ! At least learn to pronounce the words of your trade! I mean, I wouldn't expect a Spanish teacher to offer me "Tortilleeyas!"

3. Weak Huggers. There is a definite skill involved in hugging. Some people are awesome at it, and some just suck.

A good hugger wraps around with both arms and gives a good squeeze. The good squeeze is essential. I've known a couple of girls who give these frail little hugs like you're hugging a damn bird! I feel like I'll break them if I squeeze. A good hug is very satisfying, but a bad one is like smelling a doughnut but not being able to eat it...a tease.

4. Road Raging. I didnt' know what real road rage was until I drove down to a job interview in Thousand Oaks with my friend Bobby. I swear to God this guy was livid the whole ride down there. Yelling at people, riding their ass, bobbing and weaving passed the slow pokes driving "only 80 mph."

Insane...and we still had to ride all the way back.

Then I met Danny. If you wrong him in any way while driving, I think he seriously wants to end your LIFE! Danny is the George Costanza who follows a driver whom he thinks flipped him off or refuses to budge over a street parking spot. He doesn't just honk. He just lays on that mother for ages without relenting! He drives his big Sequoia like a freaking Corvette.

As one who doesn't like to get angry, this behavior is definitely a bit anxiety provoking.

And it's not just if he's driving either...oh no. If he's in the passenger seat and anyone else on the road does something even remotely wrong, inevitably he yells "RAM HIM!!!" I hear this at least three times each time I give him a ride.

5. The Player/Coach. Another one that really drives me nuts. If I'm playing basketball, tennis, or any other sport for that matter, do not feel the need to coach me, especially if you're not better than me.

"Arun, look up while your dribbling!"
"Follow through better on your swing"
"Pivot this way"

Bah! It's one thing if the person is truly a much better player. I could even understand if it was said with some humility like "Hey Arun, I just noticed that you (whatever), but maybe it would help to (whatever). I'm not an expert, but just an observance." But unsolicited coaching in the heat of a game is really annoying.

When I play tennis, I'm usually better than the people I play with. I almost never offer advice on their strokes though unless they ask. Sometimes you just wanna go out and have fun! You don't need me to coach your form if we're just playing around!

6. Ok, this isn't really a behavior, but I have to mention this.

THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PINK AND REGULAR LEMONADE!

Growing up, I always preferred pink, because I thought it had something extra. As I got older and more experienced at drinking lemonade, I realized that I didn't really notice a difference in taste!

In college, I brought up this point some people, and my friend Becca INSISTED that there was a difference! So, we did a blind taste test. She was shocked to realize that she guessed wrong! As disappointing as it was to find out the truth, there is no difference between pink and regular lemonade.

Make sure to study these six points. They will appear on your exit exam from "Arun's School of Lifetime Awesomeness." :)