Arun is Bringing You...Your Daily Remedy

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Four Exercises Every Guy Should Avoid

I'll be the first to admit that today's "Remedy" is completely superficial, but the fact of the matter is, most people, despite our convictions, are swayed by certain superficial things.

Like it or not, we all judge a book, at least partially, by its cover.

One of the places where people congregate to improve their "cover" is the gym. Sure a lot of people (including me) exercise to be healthy, but seriously, how many of us would bust our backsides everyday in the gym if it didn't contribute to our physical appearance? I know my motivation would go down (but luckily I'm genetically blessed devilish good looks :)

Oh but looks aren't the only first impression we make on people! Actions are just as important! Think about it. Suppose you see a good-looking guy doing ballet. Odds are he's either gay (not that there's anything wrong with that) or a fruit (yes there is something wrong with that).

Yes I'm making gross generalizations, but this is my blog and damnit I want to unfairly generalize people today!

Keeping these aforementioned observations in mind, I would like to save any of you men out there from looking like a fruit at the gym. Nobody respects a fruit, and I don't want any of my readers to ever accidentally enter "Fruit Zone."

Before I get to the actual exercises you should avoid, let me add this disclaimer: you can avoid every exercise on this list, but nothing can save you from fruit status if you're wearing extremely short and tight shorts.

My God those things are terrible. There's nothing that screams "Tooty Too Fruity" more than those oversized speedos.

Now, the moment you've been waiting for. Four exercises any self-respecting, female desiring, and yes, somewhat superficial Man should avoid.

1. The High Speed Elliptical: Notice the words "high speed." I actually think that the elliptical is a great machine and use it on occasion because its easy on the joints (and if I do it, by definition it cannot be fruity). The problem arises if you try to run on that thing. Trust me. Going any faster than 5 mph makes any man look like a prancing gazelle. Put some resistance on the thing for God's sake!

Look around, and you'll see a lot of women flying on that thing! That's great for them, but I would rather avoid looking like a prancing gazelle. (As a side note, wasn't there an infomercial once for an elliptical machine called the Gazelle? I seem to remember a muscle-bound guy who was the epitome of a fruit which further supports my case!)

2. The Fancy-"Nancy" Stairmaster. Again, another machine I like because it really kicks your ass. I'm not talking about the one where you shuffle your feet really fast, but rather the one with the rotating stairs that you actually step on.

When on the stairmaster, face forward, and step all you want to your heart's content. Never, ever follow any of the routines you might catch a chick at the gym doing on those things! I don't know where they get these moves, but on any given stairmaster, there's a girl who does it like sideways, and then does a slow kick thing behind them on each step, and finally follows that by skipping steps, kicking the hind leg out while giving a hip shimmy.

Honestly, do I need to explain why no man should do this?

3. Aerobics class. Sure we all fantasize about being the guy in the "Call on Me" Music Video (see below), but that will never happen.

To put it simply, sideways cha-cha's, hip thrusts, and arm curls with no weights do not make a guy look flattering. And no, doing an aerobics class to meet chicks is not an acceptable excuse. If that's your intent, it likely totally transparent, and if it's not, then you're a fruit! Cut and dry.

4. Hip Abductor/Adductor. No man should ever be caught on this machine! In case you're not familiar with machine, it basically consists of sitting down with pads around your legs, then squeezing your thighs together and apart. Here is the Hip Adductor in Action

In case you haven't noticed, everyone of these exercises is extremely effeminate. A fruit, according to the Urban Dictionary can be defined as: "He's not exactly gay, but just womanly enough to be gay."

Next time you go to work out, remember to keep these exercises out of your routine. And if you happen to see a man performing any of these activities, don't laugh. Just take a mental picture of the fruit you could have been, and relish in your extreme Manlihood!

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